A Nobody's Nook

Flash Fiction 2: Envy — May 19, 2015

Flash Fiction 2: Envy

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“Truth is I did all my best to outrun you. Now I’m ahead of you. I got my M.A degree and will be taking my Ph D. I can’t believe you’ve been lax about it”, he exclaimed.

“We’ll at least I made you happy.”

“You don’t mind?”

“You see that’s the difference between you and me. I do things because I am happy. You do it because you feel everything is a competition. That is why I don’t mind you being ahead.”

Para sa mga Nang-iwan — April 30, 2015

Para sa mga Nang-iwan

Ang sakit sakit naman makinig ng radyo lalo na kapag ang naririnig ko ay mga break up songs.Halos lahat ata ay patama sa nang-iwan. Halos lahat nasa perspective ng iniwan. Para bang lahat ng iniwan ng mahal nila ay iniwan na lang nang basta basta at walang dahilan.

Mga tipong “Someday you will realize my worth” o di kaya naman “Binigay ko naman ang lahat. Kulang pa ba at iniwan mo ako”.

Gusto ko minsan sumigaw at sabihin na “Oo! Nang-iwan ako! Pero hindi ako nanloko! Nag-iwan ako kasi di ko na kaya at ang sakit sakit na.”

Parang eksena sa pelikula di ba?

Pero seryoso. Bakit ganun ang mga kanta na iyon. Bakit pag nang-iwan ka parang ang sama-sama mo? Parang ang selfish mo?

Masama ba ako? Selfish ba ako? Hindi ba pwedeng napuno na rin ako sa paulit ulit na pagsisinungaling at panloloko? Hindi pa pwedeng ginawa ko lahat ng pag-iintindi pero sadyang sa huling pagkakataon hindi ko na kinaya? Hindi ba pwedeng pinilit kong maging masaya pero nangingibaw talaga ang sakit? Hindi pwedeng ako muna ang magpapakamahina dahil iyon ang totoo at nahihirapan na akong magpanggap na mas malakas?

Kung meron akong natutunan sa nangyayari ngayon sa buhay ko iyon ay hindi masama ang mag-iwan.Kung hindi na ko masaya sa relasyon bakit ko ipipilit. Kung nagawa ko na ang lahat ng pwedeng gawin – kasama ang pagpapakatanga – bakit ako mananatili sa relasyon na hindi ko na ginugusto? Eh di parang niloko ko na lang ang sarili ko at niloko ko na rin s’ya. Nagpakatanga na nga ko, magpapaka-artista pa ba? Mahirap ang magpanggap na masaya pa sa relasyon. Para ko lang pinapahaba ang relasyon pero ang totoo alam ko na kung ano ang ending. “Prolonging the agony” ika nga sa wikang Ingles. Pahahabain pa eh alam ko banda sa huli maghihiwalay din kami.Either manggagaling iyon sa kanya o sa akin. Kasi ang relasyon dapat masaya. Kahit na may pagkukulang at minsan ay nag-aaway dapat masaya, may kakuntentuhan.Iyong sayang hindi humahalakhak, hindi lang tungkol na ngiting abot tenga. Kundi sayang nararamdaman sa kaibuturan ng puso. Iyong kahit malayo kayo sa isa’t isa masaya kang bumabangon sa umaga dahil hindi ka mag-aalala kung namimiss ka rin n’ya kasi alam mong namimiss ka nya. Hindi nag-aalala kung sinong babae nanaman kaya ang kasama n’ya. Iyong chill lang. Hindi hinahanapan ng kulang. Hindi hinahanapan ng mali.Kasi naroroon ang tiwala and pagiging matapat. Two-sided dapat ‘yan.Ikaw at s’ya, nagtitiwala, nagpapakatapat.

Sa kaso ko kasi niloko na ko pero binigyan ko ng chance. Niloko ulit. Binigyan ng chance. Lagi akong nanghihinayang sa nasimulan. Nakakatakot tapusin. Baka magkamali. Baka di mapunan ang ibabakanteng pwesto na inilaan mo para sa kanya. Ilang beses na rin s’yang nagsinungaling. Iyong pinakahuli, napuno na ‘ko. Nagalit s’ya bakit ang liit lang daw ng kasalanan n’ya kumpara sa dato, bakit ngayon iiwan ko s’ya. Inexplain ko naman na napagod na ko magtiwala. Sabi n’ya,” bakit daw hindi ko s’ya mapagkatiwalaan ng 100% ulit.” Sabi ko, “kasi nga may pinanggagalingan ako kaya hindi basta-basta nagtitiwala ulit.” Nasaktan kaya ako. Nagalit lalo. Sabi n’ya “ang nagmamahal daw nagtitiwala”. Sabi ko naman sa kanya, “ang nagmamahal tapat.”

Kung bakit kasi hindi ko agad naisip itong sabi ng matatanda na Shame on him if you are fooled. Shame on you if you are fooled twice. Pangatlo na nga sa akin. Sabi nga ni Alex Gonzaga, “Shame on the community na ‘yan”

Ang pangalawa kong natutunan ay hindi rin selfish ang mang-iwan. Hindi naman dahil nang-iwan ako winner na ako. Hindi rin ibig sabihin hindi ako nasasaktan. Ang sakit kaya. Iniwan ko iyong taong mahal ko dahil mas matapang ako na aminin na hindi na talaga maayos ang mga gusot. Mas matapang ako na sabihin na tama na at tanggapin ang mga paratang na sumuko at bumitaw ako. Mas matapang ako na aminin sa sarili na hindi ako makakapagbibigay na happiness na kailangan nya at ganun din sa akin. Pareho pa rin kaming talo.

Kaya nga binigay ko iyong kalayaan nya kahit hindi nya naiintindihan. Pero alam ko nakita nya na paparating na. Ilang beses na rin naming sinubukan pero wala eh.Paulit-ulit lang ang nagiging problema namin.

Sabi niya pagsisisihan ko daw ang ginawa ko. Alam kong hindi. Sa tingin ko we’re better this way. Kung maging successful, mayaman at mabuti syang ama at asawa balang araw hindi ako manghihinayang dahil ibig sabihin mas naging mas mabuti s’yang tao nang magkahiwalay kami. Ibig sabihin tama ang naging desisyon ko.

 

 

The Arrow wit the Heart Pierced Right Through It — April 21, 2015

The Arrow wit the Heart Pierced Right Through It

tadhana Photo is from Twitter

There was an arrow who was getting tired of his pointy life. Until one day, he woke up feeling heavier than usual. He woke up with a heart pierced through him. “Whose heart are you? How did you get here?” the arrow asked, but there was no reply. The arrow asked everyone he met if they owned the heart, everyone denied that the heart was theirs. Each would say, “My heart hasn’t gone missing”. As the arrow continued the search, he noticed the heart was getting lighter, he did not know why; probably losing weight or he is gaining strength. As they passed by, someone asked, “How long have you been looking for the owner of that heart?”, but the heart did not reply, the heart did not need to. The heart just slowly moved back from the arrow, slowly, very slowly, until the heart is no longer pierced through the arrow; and so the heart moved on. 

The arrow who used to have a heart pierced through him tried to move on, but he was too heavy, and he was dragging himself down. The arrow could not understand why he felt heavier when he actually no longer had the load of carrying somebody’s heart. So the arrow tried to go back to his old, pointy life and everyday he would wake up feeling heavier than usual, but there was no heart pierced through him each time. So the arrow decided to be patient and just try to be the old arrow that he was, before he became the arrow with a heart pierced through him; so he can live normally again—and he did.

One day he just woke up feeling a little stranger than usual, the arrow woke up being tired of his pointy life again. Until he heard a question too familiar that it was not strange at all. “Excuse me but have you lost your heart?”, the arrow was surprised, it was the heart who used to be pierced through him—and there was no reply. The arrow and the heart didn’t need any.

MY VERSION OF THE STORY:

I was 23 years old and was used to independent life and was so engaged with my passion – teaching. So engaged that I wanted to be the best in my field. Maybe not in the whole wide world but amongst my batch mates. I had goals – promotion at an early age, finished M.A Degree and start Doctoral Degree at 27. I travelled, wrote and read a lot too. My life seemed pretty much happy back then. Yes, I was the arrow,with a pointy life and knew which target to hit.

One day came a stranger. He was someone else’s heart. He was broken or maybe I was just thinking that way. I thought I might help in looking for the owner of this heart. And I did.  I carried this heart with me. I thought he was ruining my routine until I got used to his presence. You probably know what happen next but I’ll say it anyway. We got along together and did fall in love.

He made feel like my happy life is dull and boring. That it can even get exciting and colorful. We did the most exciting adventures ever. Those may never be as grand as the others, but those times were the happiest days of my life. He was there during the weakest points in my life. He was there too to celebrate my triumphs. But being a brittle arrow, I got tired of carrying this heart. The heart said though that there was no other arrow fit to carry him but me. However, I was breaking and the only thing to be able to stop it is to release him.

One day,I asked him to leave me and he understood it was also for me. Like the arrow in the original story, I feel heavier that I have no longer a heart to carry. But the crack needs to be healed. And to be healed I must endure pain.

When the time comes I was already healed and I would need a heart, maybe I would have him back as long as he still would want me.

__________________________

I just copied the original story of “The Arrow with the Heart Piereced Right Through It” from https://kitgabucan.wordpress.com/2015/02/16/the-arrow-with-a-heart-pierced-through-him/

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY BLOG! I OWE YOU A LOT! — April 14, 2015

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY BLOG! I OWE YOU A LOT!

Dear Blog,

Thank you for keeping me sane when I feel so pressured and depressed.

Thank for always being the one who always listen. You know I ain’t the type of person who would pour her feelings out – including my pain – to anyone, but you are always ready to receive whatever emotion I need to release. If you are a person you’ve probably gotten tired of me and ran away from me but you didn’t because you can’t.Hehe

Thank you for musing me, for sharing the triumph and happiness.

Thank you for helping me improve my writing ability.

I wish I could hug you.

Very truly yours,

Eirene Hale

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10 Facebook posts that make me wanna quit using it (or I’m just being bitter) — April 11, 2015

10 Facebook posts that make me wanna quit using it (or I’m just being bitter)

1.The gandang-ganda sa sarili posts. Coming from different persons that’s normal. Coming from one person that’s GGSS!

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GGSS

TINGIN NG TINGIN

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2.Selfie overLORDS. Too much of something is bad enough!…Are we playing spot the difference here?

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3.The hate post or grudge post to someone who they don’t wanna name. Sabi nga sa Facebook comments, dapat “Pangalanan na para intense.” or “I-tag na yan!”

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4.The “emo” post that is more of a quiz because the user don’t wanna share what exactly his/her problem/s is/are but he/she just did tell that he/she has/have problems. So ok what exactly do they want?

5.The selfie lords with their unrelated caption with their pics. Ok!Anong connect? Anong connect ng cleavage?Eh nung pouty lips?

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5.The English. They use English most of the time but they just post and don’t check their grammar. Well, di ako magaling sa English ah, pero kapag di ko sure kung tama ang pagkakatranslate,nagtatagalog na lang ako.

6.The uber PDA post. Buburahin mo din yan pag nag-break kayo.

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 7.The payabang post!so what?! I mean you got him a gift with emphasis that it is from Switzerland.

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8.The never ending “atm”. She/he just records everything and facebook is his/her diary. Got it?Don’t complain. 

9.The “Hey I’m a good person” post. Seriously, is helping need to be announced?

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10.The unending Love-and-Hate relationship posts. Now they’re sweet, next day they hate each other. Then they’ll  be sweet again. Then something pops up and they are at World War III again.I tell you I will never get used to it.

Street Lamp — February 27, 2015

Street Lamp

It is during our darkest moment that we must focus to see the light.

-Albus Dumbledor

Lights always fascinates me. Though they are most love during dark as they glow,they are also beautiful in the morning as they shine with their shapes and forms.

Street Lamp
                     Street Lamp
DI NA PO AKO MAGPAPAUTANG — February 2, 2015

DI NA PO AKO MAGPAPAUTANG

Kasi po nahihiya na po akong magpapaalalaa na may hiniram kayo na lampas isang taon na. Naawa na rin po ako sa sarili ko na tuwing umaasa sa sinabi nyo na sa sweldo magbabayad na kayo, pero lumampas na po ang swelduhan at sinabi nyo na sa susunod na sweldo. Naulit po iyon nang naulit. Di po nauubos ang araw ng sweldo. Baka po umasa po ako ng forever n’yan, eh wala namang forever.

Kasi po nung kinulit nyo ako na manghihiram kayo ay ako po ay nagbigay naman na walang ibang sinabi na “Eto lang po kaya ko ipahiram.”, pero nung ako ay naningil, ako po ay sinabihan nyo na “Hindi nakakaintindi.”

Kasi po kailangan ko na ng pambili ng gamot, pero ako pa rin po ang hindi nakakaintindi.

Pasensya na po.

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