Our Little Infinity

Dear Marsh,

It has been two years since you walked into my life. I can clearly remember you entering the room wearing your varsity jacket, the white one with the ATENEO print at the back. God knows that when I first saw you, I knew right there that you are special to me, like a piece of jigsaw puzzle that  can complete the whole picture.

I admit it. It was and is a love at first sight, but I know to feel that way to you is completely wrong. I’m supposed not to cross the line. You know what I mean..

I know too that you love another girl and you will never notice an old “manang” like me.

I tried not to go near you.Whenever we talk, every word I said, I said with all tactfulness. Every action, I did, I did it with all caution. But everyone noticed it –  the stolen glances, the half smile, the blush and all the blabber about you. People knew it, but all I did was to deny it. I lied to them. I fooled myself, but the more I tried to deny it the more it got obvious. I have never been good at lying.

Silently, in myself though, there is a wish that somehow, you notice it when I get my hair cut, or when my tiny dimples come out as I smile or even when I am wearing earrings or not, but you never did notice them.

First sem and second sem passed, I learned how much intelligent you are. And the evil side of me tried to grab the opportunity of luring you to me. I made you compete in contests and I was your coach but nothing happened. To be honest, I thought I was doing it with good intention, thought it was for your own sake but now looking back I guess I was being a selfish witch back then with a hidden motive.

The day that I completely gave up on you was when I hosted the pageant. I was in gown. Almost everybody adored me that night, but you…you never even glanced at me. I guessed my ego was hurt. Though I don’t groom much, I’m used to being admire by many and you are not one of them.

I wrote your name in the dark sky that night. I used the stars as dots, connected them with an imaginary line I made with my finger. It spelled MARCO. And I vowed to never to notice you again.

Next school year was more exciting.

You and your girlfriend broke that year. I knew it. I saw it in Facebook but I wasn’t a hopeful. Besides, I am beginning to fall in love with another man, who had an eye for fashion and goal-oriented. He is very unlikely you. A complete opposite of you who is so happy-go-lucky and never worries about what other says.

My friend on the other hand is falling for you. She liked you a lot and was never shy to admit it. Both of you had grown closer. I silently listened to her as she chatted about you. Did I felt a tinge of jealousy? Nope,not even a little.

Everything seemed to be in perfect places but in a sudden twist of faith, we grew closer. How and why? I couldn’t tell. And the spark grew back again.

I found myself fighting  against my feelings for you again. It was hard, but I gave in and I finally said I like you on your birthday.

Was it right? Was I wrong? I couldn’t tell that time.

Our feelings for each other grew.

You changed. You become better so my parents can accept you when the time came that we had to tell it to them. You found a job and worked hard. You stopped your vices.

You did it for me and for us. And I was hurting to see you trying your best. I never want you to be your version 2.0. I love the happy Marco,The less serious Marsh. My Marshmallow who never tried to impress others.But I love the new Marco anyway.

You tell me thousand times that you love me more.

But I want to tell you, I love you equally.And I feel like I am dying whenever I thought of you leaving me.

You tell me you’ll love me forever, but always in the horizon there is a warning that our love may come to an end. And I am scared to death that the day will come our little infinity will stop in a moment.

You asked to stop our infinity once. I stopped you. I couldn’t bear it.

But It was like punishing you, because you tried harder, fought harder and get hurt harder.

I am so sorry. I LOVE YOU. And the world knows how much I love you.

I don’t want you being sad because of me, but I don’t want to let you go too.

I am torn between my love for you and my love for my parents.

If only my parents will understand, If only they will know.

Lord knows, I’m dying inside when you are away, but each time I see your face the more I want to fight for this love.

I don’t want to be one of your passing fancy. I want to be “the one” for you. Am I asking for too much?

I hope God gives me my happiness. I pray everything will turn out alright. If it won’t, I swear. I’m might as well bid this world goodbye.

I LOVE YOU.

Always think of that.

 

 


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